Favorite Moments

These are just a few moments from the most recent donation that stick out in my mind and that I’d like a record of. In no particular order:

• While I’m lying down and the doc is doing an ultrasound at one of my earlier visits, he asks, “Aw, poor thing… your bladder is filling up isn’t it?” I did not know how to respond to that one, hehe

• Getting my favourite cupcakes and other sweets from my IPs

• Early on I was told to get a referral from a specific doctor at walk-in clinic before we could start the cycle. That day I waited 1.5 hours to see him only to have his shift end just as my name got called. A different doctor saw me and it turned out any doctor could have done the referral. This made me want to smack myself in the forehead because I had a walk-in clinic close by my place and it would’ve been soooo much more convenient to have gone there and avoided the unnecessary commute. As I waited at the bus stop to head to class afterwards, I noticed a forgotten package on a seat in the bus shelter. I picked it up and waited around just to see if it’s owner would show up. Nope… but since the street address looked familiar I took it with me. Once I got downtown, I called my bf. He google mapped it and sure enough, the package’s destination was but a few minutes away. I dropped it off before the owner returned home (landlord thanked me though) but just being able to do that made me feel better. The visit to the farther off walk-in clinic didn’t turn out to be such a complete waste of time after all :)

• After we moved into our new apartment, I found out I’d have to come to the clinic. The kiddies school registration hadn’t occurred yet so they weren’t in school. I called the clinic to ask them if it was okay if they came with me. I was nervous that this would somehow be inappropriate. The receptionist seemed a little hesitant too but said it would be okay once she learned they were 7 and 9. They waited for 25 minutes in the waiting room while the doctor and nurse saw me. As I came out, another client of the clinic who’d been in the waiting room stopped to comment infront of the staff, “Are those your kids? OMG, they are so well behaved! My kids could never sit still that long!!”

• Knowing my IPs grew as well. From being so new and unsure on how to approach everything to be willing to communicate openly through email, then meet in person, and speaking for 1-2 hours at a time on the phone at night. It was wonderful to get to know her and let her get to know me.

• Hearing positive things about me from the clinic staff and knowing for sure I made a good impression when the doctor wanted to know if I’d be available to donate again for a specific couple he had in mind.

• Staying at the hotel with my boyfriend after the retrieval. Lots of rest, relaxation, and food!

• Meeting my IP for the first time and just thinking “Whoa, she is so petite! I’m glad I didn’t wear heels today or I’d feel like a giant.” :P

• Telling my boyfriend for the first time I was an egg donor and not knowing how he’d react… but I got such a positive and supportive response. He’s a keeper!

• On my last visit just before the retrieval I had to get weighed. I had trouble pulling off my boots so the doctor got down on his knees and helped tug them off. My choice of socks were questioned so I explained the thick, long, garrish red socks had been part of last year’s Hallowe’en costume. We (nurse, doc, and I) had a laugh about that.

• On a first meeting with the doctor, he made reference back to something I’d put in my 20-odd page donor application. I was stunned. I always assume the doctors are too busy to read that stuff much less commit it to memory. His response: “Of course I read it. It’s my job!” I realized at that moment things would be different at this clinic and that I was in good hands. Compare this to my prior experience at a better known clinic: I was asked by the doctor if I had children and what my job was. It was nice to see him expressing an interest in my life but it became apparent he had too many patients to keep track of when he asked me the same question a second, third, fourth and fifth time. Another time he was so rushed to get through the check-up, I was told it wasn’t necessary for me to remove my tampon before he did the ultrasound. Ew!

• My IP recounting part of a conversation she had with the ER: “…. what, are you her advocate now or something?” IP: “Well I have gotten to know her and I feel very protective so you better take good care of her!” It was really sweet to hear.

• Learning that the doctor exclaimed, “Women’s cycles are very temperamental!” hehee

• Seeing my IP get teary when she came to visit me the day after the retrieval – tears of happiness of course :)

I know I’m forgetting a few other good moments. I’ll update periodically as I recall.

Hard Decisions

I have cancelled the upcoming donation with the IPs for Cycle 5. I informed the agency today. It was extremely hard to do. I occasionally visit a local ivf fertility website/forum to read about other people’s experiences with exploring surrogacy and egg donation. It is hard to read about how IPs feel when they can’t locate a donor, have a bad donor experience because they were irresponsible or changed their mind, or find a donor who they think “is the one,” only to learn later their donor isn’t responding well to the meds and having this jeopardize the entire cycle. Not to mention couples choosing the egg donation route have faced multiple disappointments. It is only too easy imagine this same devastation I read about being inflicted on my IPs, which is why I was really hoping to avoid coming to the decision that I did.

My Cycle 3 IPs confided to me that at one point when they first contacted me, that they felt those type of emotions. I had informed them I was working with another couple after considering both of them, and they thought I had chosen this couple over them due to their slight hesitation to confirm their intention to work with me. They were upset with themselves and both questioned what they had done for the next 24 hours before it was made clear I was still willing to donate to them, but only after the other donation was completed. I was surprised to learn they had gone through this emotional upheaval, but again it just shows me that these decisions are not to be made lightly because of the huge impact they have.

I mentioned having second thoughts about proceeding with this cycle in an earlier post here. Despite thinking long and hard about it, and considering possible alternatives to overcome my reservations (having the couple switch clinics, offering to give them time to agree to change to an open donation, etc.), it became clear there was no way around it really. There were two main reasons for cancelling the cycle. I have decided I only want to do open donations from now on (they wanted anonymous) and because I did not want to work with any other doctor/clinic (he won’t work with agencies, only does open donations, and the couple resided with a different clinic). It seems all the chips were stacked against them.

If you are new to my blog, you might wonder why I agreed in the first place. I had committed to this cycle (Cycle 5 back in December 2009). At that time, my donation experience was limited to two other clinics and only working with anonymous donations. I could not have predicted how much I would grow and develop as a result of latest donation. I guess this is why there is a philosophy behind never making promises. You just don’t know if you will be in a position to keep them or not. But even back in December, I knew that this could be a big mistake at some level. I had felt uneasy about committing to a cycle that wasn’t going to take place for at least half a year but I unwisely shrugged it off. I liked the agency, the clinic, and the description of the IPs. I was genuinely looking forward to working with them. With all the information I had at that point, that seemed like a good decision. This unfortunately is not the case anymore but as they say, hindsight is 20/20. It is not that the clinic or agency was bad. I just strongly feel the current clinic has a better protocol and is more conscientious about safeguarding my health.

I have also had to inform my upcoming Cycle 4 IPs of my decision to work exclusively with this doctor. This will definitely affect them since they have already done an initial consultation with a different clinic. I hope they will be able to accept switching clinics and am waiting patiently wait to hear back about their thoughts.

While I regret having to put conditions on my availability, I think it is the best decision for me. I trust this doctor and having worked with two other clinics, they just do not measure up. This is despite the fact that they are better known and more expensive. The pros with my current doctor are many though:

• Less injected drugs since I am not suppressed removing the need to take birth control pills and Lupron injections – instead my IPs are synced to my cycle
• The convenience of it being located less than a 10 minute walk from me
• The rapport I have established with the staff and doctor
• Having a doctor who is aligned with my preference for only doing open donations
• Just having full faith in the fact my health is taken very seriously
• Less commercial
• More attentive staff and more  intimate setting in general
• Does not use a cookie cutter approach
• Is upfront and candid and does not sugarcoat things
• My IPs save a chunk of cash by not having to use an agency

When it comes down to it, my decision can be boiled down to one thing: protecting myself. Since I am doing multiple donations, I am being very careful in deciding who I let oversee the cycles. Like my doctor says, “the most important thing is to be safe,” “you have to be an advocate for yourself,” and “don’t let them push you if you are not ready – remember you are the one with the goods.” That’s one more thing I appreciated… the bluntness. My sentiments have therefore changed from “I wish all my IPs would use this doctor” to “I am only using IPs willing to work with this doctor.” I believe in the long-run it will not only benefit me, it will benefit my IPs as well. And not just the ones I work with immediately but also the ones who need me to be in the best possible health in order to donate later.

Post-Retrieval Update

Greetings! I am feeling pretty much back to normal after yesterday’s retrieval. Yesterday morning I diverged from our original plan a bit when I had my brother drop me off at the clinic’s major intersection rather than having my boyfriend escort me.  I woke up on time at 6:00 AM in the morning but still ended up a little bit late because I couldn’t find the clinic (I’d never been there before and my doctor doesn’t have the facilities to do an in-house retrieval). I was glad I had the foresight to input the clinic’s phone number in my phone before leaving. I called them at 7:10 AM and told them I couldn’t find it so they gave me directions. Due to construction I had to use an alleyway to access the plaza. It was also tricky because the clinic was not on the main street. It was actually behind a church and a little north of where it should’ve been given the address. Despite the delay there was no rush to admit me. The retrieval didn’t start until 9 AM so there was some time to kill even after I changed, took my medication, and watched them put an IV in me. I passed the time by listening to songs on my iPod and flipping through the magazines.

The doctor arrived probably half an hour before 9:00 and gave me the once over. The retrieval itself was pretty painful though, I ain’t going to lie. The doctor has always avoided giving me more drugs than necessary and for once this was not to my benefit. Although he warned there was going to be pressure with every motion, it might have been more accurate to hear him say, “there isn’t going to be a moment when you don’t feel a lot of pressure and pain.” I remember groaning twice with my first ever retrieval, feeling no pain with the second, but it was pretty much nonstop this time around. I really should’ve mentioned my low threshold for pain. I know he didn’t intend for it to hurt so much because the day before the retrieval he said he would be generous with the drugs. He said upfront “there is no point in suffering.” I guess he just underestimated how much I’d need in my cocktail but I won’t hold it against him though because he has otherwise been awesome. I guess the one good thing about this was that I recalled everything (?). I didn’t have one of those moments afterwards when I questioned whether I dreamt something up or not since I was pretty much fully conscious. A retrieval only lasts 20 or so minutes and given that my first pregnancy lasted 12 gruelling hours, I can easily shrug off the discomfort when making this comparison.

The nurses there were really nice and the facilities were the best I’ve been in. There was no harsh lighting, it was very clean and spacious, and I wasn’t forced to wear those silly paper boots and shower cap. I also got a cloth gown that didn’t make me feel indecent and exposed like the paper ones. The only thing I wished for was better stuff to snack on after the retrieval. There was only bottled water and my boyfriend (who arrived at 9:30 AM) found me some dry biscuits since none were set out.

My brother picked us up after the retrieval and drove us 3 minutes away to our hotel. I had no problem getting an early check-in at 10:45 AM. After settling in we were hungry so we rented a zipcar for a few hours and went for…. STEAK! I don’t think the doc would’ve approve if he’d known but one of the best parts of doing a donation is feeling like it’s an adventure when you get to stay in a hotel, order room service, and treat yourself to a meal out. Yup, we definitely milked it :D. FYI, an amount for my expenses are advanced to me in a lump sum the month prior to retrieval and I keep receipts for my IPs.

My boyfriend skipped a seminar to pick me up yesterday but he had to leave at one point to meet his fellow group members and prepare for an upcoming course presentation. I took that time during his absence to catch up on a couple hours of sleep. When he returned we rented season 2 of Californication starring David Duchovny to watch and had room service bring us some food. The food was surprisingly good! But before the food arrived, I took 2 Tylenol because the drugs from the clinic had worn off and my stomach was feeling very sore and tender (I haven’t had to take anymore Tylenol since). We were content to spend the rest of the day indoors. I decided to take another nap in the evening while my bf stayed up to do a couple hours of course work. The plan was for me to wake up around 2-3 AM so we could watch some more Californication episodes but I wasn’t awake long enough for that to happen. We just both desperately needed the ZzzzzzZz’s.

Thanks to all that sleep I was up relatively early today at 8:00 AM. Right away I got more room service: one order of an English style breakfast with scrambled eggs, sausage, brown toast, home fries, baked beans, grilled tomatoes and a slice of cantaloupe and one order of waffles with bananas/chocolate syrup and a pot of coffee! We wrapped up breakfast just before my IP stopped by the hotel to see me with some gifts of candies and chocolates. She got a little emotional on me but we both know they were “tears of happiness”. I’m very glad everything has gone so smoothly and that we are both happy :)

My boyfriend and I checked out of the hotel at noon. He only had time to walk me back to my apartment before he left for his class. Fortunately I don’t have classes on Thursday so I’ve been spending the day off my feet and taking it easy. There’s a ton of laundry and dishes to do but the only thing I’ve done today is relax and send some emails to my other IPs and agency. There will be an update on what those were all about soon.